Ok so you probably don’t care.
You are probably wondering what does this have to do with being infertile?

Bear with me.

This entry has everything to do with being infertile but you are going to have to stick it out.

Today I am very proud of my “denim find”. If you are a slave to fashion as I am you will know that the “distressed jean” is all the rage and the price tag is in the neighborhood of $350 a pair—GASP!

Now I may get a bit nutty when it comes to fashion but I swear to you that I would never —even in the best of financial times—spend $350 on a pair of jeans. NEVER! Sorry denim industry but you do realize that it’s just a pair of jeans that’s been ripped to shreds????

But as usual, it’s a fashion trend I can’t pass by. So I went in search of the trend for less—and wound up on the Abercrombie website and found exactly what I was looking for — the price tag was $89.50. Still ridiculous for a pair of ripped jeans — but definitely more my speed.

Today when I got dressed I built my outfit around my new jeans. On top I wore a blouse that I got at the Gap two years ago on sale for $19.00 and paired it with an Adam Lippes fur vest from Bergdorf’s (ok a splurge) but bear with me. On my feet you’ll see one of my favorite purchases of all time—my faux brown suede platform boots from Isaac Mizrahi Target! They are three years old and were $29.99! And yes—I own them in black. I will miss his Target collections dearly and only hope that he does something equally brilliant at Liz Claiborne.

But the best accessory of the day is sitting on my lap—my little dog Bitsy Charlene.

Bitsy Charlene has recently gotten the “shaft” in some of the Helpusadopt.org PR. She was hidden in the shadows in the New York Post photograph and didn’t make the cut for the recent TODAY show segment (her sister Farrah did). But Bitsy Charlene has played quite an important role in this Infertile Blonde’s life. So today I am dedicating the post to her.

Most people whisper behind my back and say, “Did Becky really name her dog Bitsy Charlene?” First of all you don’t have to whisper. And secondly, yes I did. Miss Bitz, as she is affectionately known, weighed all of four pounds when we rescued her from the PSPCA (hence the itsy bitsy) and my dear friend Charlene was the person who told me about her. I believe Charlene’s voice mail said “we have a very special dog and I think you two could use each other right now.” That’s the thing about friends—sometimes they know EXACTLY what you need.

Bitsy Charlene is my IVF dog. I rescued her during “the dark years”. I needed her and she needed me. You could even say we rescued each other. I got a little bundle to love and take care of and she got a wonderful home — something she definitely needed since she’d been abandoned on the streets of Philadelphia.

Needless to say Miss Bitz now weighs over 12 lbs and needs to go on a diet—which will never happen—but it doesn’t matter. In spite of her waistline, she still manages to stay stylish and turn heads on the streets of NYC. She is seen here in her black and white scull and cross bones sweater that her mother just couldn’t resist.

Love much,
xob

ps. If you want to know about my make up then you’ll just have to tune in tomorrow…..it’s all from my beauty guru—and one of Helpusaodpt.org newest fans…Her initials are TMc —and she’s divine!

Talk to me! Every morning I log into An Infertile Blonde in the hopes that someone has made a comment! Please? Just one? Is that too much to hope for? Julie, this does not apply to you. Betty—-I know you’ve got it in you —make me laugh! Sara you did a great job on your first go-round! Karin—my ultimate blogger friend who suggested I do this you are off the hook, And TB what you emailed me yesterday was beautiful and well said.

Put it this way—-if you are thinking it you probably aren’t alone. But the difference is who is brave enough to say it out loud.

So do me a favor and make this Infertile Blonde happy—-ok happier. Tell me about YOUR favorite fashion trend, tell me what you are using on YOUR face to keep the wrinkles at bay, tell me what bothers you, tell me what you’d like to change about the world around you. You could tell me your child just had Ramen Noodles and Sprite for breakfast like mine did today (I can just see that mother of the year award). Just talk to me.

I know you are reading because of all the emails and Facebook postings I am getting…..and for that I thank you.

But here’s to being a little braver and posting your comments here. Your comment might help someone else…..

Love much,
xob

I believe that as a society we have been socialized not to talk about our imperfections or any of the negative aspects in our lives. I know I was. I believe that many people in our world believe that if they don’t say it out loud then a) maybe it won’t be true and b) that no one else will know. But the reality of the situation is that a) this stuff (whatever your stuff happens to be) doesn’t go away and b) this stuff is very true. This stuff is real — and it can be painful.

So you can imagine what that kind of socialization does to a girl like me—-an infertile one and furthermore a girl whose IVF process did not end with a beautiful bouncing baby the way she expected it to. Looking back I now see that I spent nearly $100,000 and three years chasing a dream. But the dream wasn’t of a child. The dream was to be pregnant. And the funny thing is that I never really wanted to be pregnant. It wasn’t the pregnancy I was chasing —it was the normalcy.

And in the end? How did it all turn out? The minute I held Jake all my dreams came true. The logistics don’t seem so important anymore.

The hush-hush mentality? I think we’re done with that.

Love much,
xob

I have loved her for some time now—-it’s no secret even to my husband. I love her music, I love her look, I love her attitude, I love her strength of character. She’s been on my Ipod for ever . And I will never forget the morning that I read in the paper that she had adopted a baby boy. Ahhhhh the cosmic conection. Helpusadopt.org was just a concept in our brains but I knew then. She’s our voice. It’s just a matter of time.

You guys know that I have my inspiration board in my office of quotes that keep me going when I start to think I can’t do it anymore. Quotes that keep me going when naysayers and negativity get in my way. Her lyrics are up there in the “all time fave” category. In particular I love the line from Steve McQueen that sates: “I ain’t takin’ shit off no one—baby that was yesterday.”

Sheryl Crow, if you’re listening—-hug that little boy. Hug that boy with all your might and think: If you had wanted to adopt as a single woman (without your celebrity) and had needed financial help—-not many would have helped you because you are NOT how they define family. Helpusaodpt.org does NOT define family. In fact, 6 of our first 14 grants were awarded to single women who are now on their way to becoming mothers for the first time.

Sheryl we need your voice. Single women looking to adopt need your voice and your help. I’m free for coffee whenever you are.

Love much,
xob

I’m a list girl……I suppose it’s because I have no short term memory. I’ve got lists for everything. It’s the only way I can get through the day, the week, the month…….

But the list I am referring to today is the “what the hell is wrong with these people?” list.

Shortly after Christmas my home subscription to the New York Post stopped arriving at my door. The first day this happened I didn’t do anything about it because to sit on hold with customer service for 20 minutes complaining over a fifty cent paper just hardly seems worth it. But when it happened for the 4th day in a two week span I called. Now it’s an inconvenience.

18 minutes on hold to be exact.
When the customer service rep. finally got on the line to help me I explained the situation. First things first, she wanted to know the exact dates the paper wasn’t delivered—well, I didn’t put them down on a list so I didn’t know. She seemed quite disappointed.

Here’s where we get a little muddled…..

Her solution was this: “I am going to put a note on your account that you would like your paper delivered on a daily basis.”

HUH?

“Isn’t that what a ‘daily’ home delivery subscription is?” I asked trying so hard not to snap at her.

No reply

I tried again: “I was hoping you could put me in touch with the delivery manager so I could discuss this —-someone needs to talk to our delivery person.”

“Ma’am when I put this note on your account it will be sent to the routing system and they will be notified.”

OH. Whatever……

So now the address label on my paper reads like this:

my name
NEEDS POST EVERYDAY
my address
***MAKE SURE EACH DAY***

REALLY???

Don’t get me wrong—LOVE the POST….read it every day….that is when it’s actually delivered.

Love much,
xob

When I was first out of college I lived in Baltimore. Since I didn’t have money to join a gym I bought a cheap (very cheap) stairmaster (ok glorified stepper thingamajig) and would workout in my bedroom after work while watching tv—desperate for a distraction. Months went by and I started to use it less and less and slowly the stairmaster became a clothes rack. When I moved back to Philadelphia the stairmaster came back with me only because it was basically extra closet space.

When Jake graduated into a “big boy bed” this past July I kept the crib in his room. As you know we live in NYC and don’t have any storage—i miss my attic and my basement from my Philadelphia house and more so my parents attic (shhh don’t tell them). We figured a baby was sure to be on the way soon so we just left the crib in Jake’s room. But months went by and there was no baby. Then we thought there was going to be a baby so there was nothing to worry about. But here we are almost 6 months later and no baby. And guess what???? The crib has become a clothes rack. Sad but true. It is right next to Jake’s dresser and it is so easy just to drape things over the edge.

So that my friends is why if we ever play word association and you say stairmaster to me, I’ll say crib—-and now you know why.

Love much,
xob

It is a fashion choice I am sure to regret…..

When I first learned of this fashion craze in NYC this past fall, I immediately dialed up my dear friend Betty — she is my “go to” girl for serious issues such as these. We discuss, we weigh the pros and cons and we move forward.

We both weighed in with a definite NO. To roller disco we thought. Too Olivia Newton John at the end of Grease. Definitely NO.

But then I kept seeing them…..

And they grew on me…..

Eventually I tried them on. And I fell in LOVE.

I wear them all the time….with a long blouse and sweater combined with either tall flat boots or short high heeled boots. My look is reminiscent of Chloe Sevigny in today’s New York Times Style section (page 3.)—- although no one is asking me to be in the Times as of yet for my sense of style.

I am sure I will look back a few years from now to wonder what I was thinking but for now it’s my go to favorite…..I just hope they are “in Vogue” next year too.

Love much,
xob

Sorry but due to an extraordinary comment to the TALK TO ME post (see the second comment) the pleather leggings have to wait…….and yes I realize how frivolous that sounds. Yes — I realize it is ridiculous….it’s supposed to be.

I admire the candor in this comment because she was brave enough to point out some things in my previous posts that may not apply to everyone’s personal situation. And for that I am truly sorry. I am sorry if in anyway something I said was insensitive. This is a risk you take with blogging and this is a risk I took knowingly. Please remember that “An Infertile Blonde” is my story. It is my experience and my truth.

But let’s talk. I want to clarify.

I used to have a dogwalker. I live in an apartment building so it is not possible to open the back door and let my dogs out. And sometimes due to my job (yes, I work full time in addition to Helpusadopt.org) and a sleeping child I am not always available to take “my girls” outside. It was a luxury—one that I have let go. And it was a luxury that made my day just a “little” easier to juggle at times.

I used to drink Starbucks every day—-this is true. No denying it.

And the Botox? So sue me —I’m vain.

I was a different person before I entered the world of infertility and miscarriage. There’s no denying it.

But once we learned of the cost of adoption and how many weren’t as fortunate as we were—my husband and I did what we felt we had to do. We opened up our savings account and started Helpusadopt.org. And by opened up—I mean emptied.

The best way to describe how I feel about my life now is “survivors guilt.” I lose sleep at night over the many women who fear they will never become a mother. I worry constantly about the applicants we are unable to help. I am up at night worrying that all my efforts aren’t enough. And I ask myself on a daily basis, what more can I do?

I am not looking for sympathy.
I still believe I have a charmed life.
I am doing my best to make a difference.
I won’t apologize for who I am or how I’ve lived.
I think if we’d all had a crystal ball and known that we were going to have to pay for infertility treatments and adoptions we would all have made different choices.
I am doing my best every day to raise more money to help others achieve the dream of parenthood through adoption.

I hope that I am being judged fairly—
I hope that I am now looked at for my contributions to the world of adoption and not being judged for my vices.

Keep commenting. I love it.

Love much,
xob

Ask and you shall receive and I am so thrilled at the issue brought to my attention because it’s BIG! And you can read the comment for yourself —it’s the first comment on the TALK TO ME post. I just saw a second comment and it also raises some very important issues that I am going to address next –looks like the “pleather legging issue” is going to have to wait.

In a nutshell: what do you when you aren’t infertile, you are pregnant and having children easily and your friend is struggling with infertility? How do you talk to her? What do you do????? How do you deal with the strain this puts on the friendship.

First of all this situation sucks all the way around—no doubt about it. But that’s what friendships (the good ones at least) are all about—dealing with the good and the bad. You can only hope that you are lucky enough to have friendships that survive. I know I for one am a very lucky girl. There were a few years where I just disappeared from the radar screen. I know at the time, many didn’t understand why and they didn’t know what to do. But they gave me my space, stood silently in the wings (praying) and were there when I came back (so to speak). And for that I am forever grateful.

Here are a few “Infertile Blonde” tips for dealing with this situation—they are based on my personal experience—so you can take it for what it is.

1. It IS ok to feel badly for your friend who is going through infertility……it’s a horrible, dark and lonely road.

2. It is NOT ok to brush the subject of infertility under the rug—because it is very real for the 7.3 million women going through it every year.

3. I was always happy for my friends who were pregnant. ALWAYS. I never wanted my unhappiness to overshadow their joy. But that said it was not easy to sit through baby shower after baby shower. Eventually I stopped attending—would always let my friends know why and would send a gift—it was NEVER ABOUT THEM…..It was to difficult for me. I believe this is true for many.

4. It is NOT ok to not invite your infertile friends to your baby shower thinking you are doing them a favor. It is very hurtful.

5. It is NOT ok to let your infertile friends hear about your pregnancy through the grapevine. But that said —I always wondered why sometimes I was the call they made 3 seconds after peeing on the stick. I still get those calls and I will never understand why. I find it strange.

6. When #4 and #5 happened to me it saddened me to think that my friends though so little of me. It is impossible to rise to the occasion when your friends assume that you can’t or won’t.

7. So how do you tell your struggling friends you are pregnant? I always appreciated a friend who called and said this: “I am not sure how to tell you but I love you and I want you to hear it from me. I’m pregnant.” A perfect phone call in a not so perfect situation. I always thought those friends showed true courage and great strength of character. Try to steer away from an impersonal email—-truth is it just shows you don’t have the guts to say it live or face to face.

8. It is NOT ok to complain to your infertile friends how terrible you feel during your pregnancy.
9. It is NOT ok to say that you wish you weren’t pregnant and that it was unplanned to your infertile friends—this information should be kept to yourself.

10. It IS ok to love your infertile friend.

11. It IS ok to tell her your heart aches for her.

12. It IS ok to cry with your infertile friend over a glass of wine (trust me she’ll need it)

13. And it is most definitely ok to be over the moon happy for your friend when she becomes a mother—no matter how it happens.

14. Most importantly—always think how you would like to be treated if the shoe was on the other foot. Think before you speak…..

And if all else fails just say “I’m sorry—that was insensitive” if you put your foot in your mouth……believe me, it happens to the best of us.

I’ll end this post with a heartfelt thank you to all of my friends may not have known exactly what to do —neither did I—but you stuck with me and you were there when the BOY came home…….you’ll never know how much it meant. And hopefully, god willing, it will happen again soon.

Love much,
xob

OK first things first……the clock is not correct on this blog…..I did not make my post at 4am! It was made at a more normal time like 7:45 am……

Second thing—-TALK TO ME! I want to hear from you! I want to know what you want to know…..what’s bugging you? What haven’t I covered that you wonder about? Share your stories, share your ideas….share your comments….I know you’ve got them…..and it doesn’t have to be about infertility….It can be about being a parent. Because deep down that is the common thread that links it all together—–

It can even be so simple as to ask me my opinion on the “pleather legging craze” —but you’re going to have to wait until tomorrow for that…..

Love much,
xob