It’s been a great summer.

Oh, don’t get me wrong….

I didn’t take the entire summer off…..

But I did let a few things go so that I could enjoy some much needed time off and time with my family.

First order of business today is to clean my desk.

Now for those of you who know me you’re wondering how many trash cans I’ve filled already….

And to be honest with you…..you’re not that far off.

Part of the mess on my desk is print outs of emails that people send me that I think I should hold on to.

I could just leave them in my in box but for some reason I feel the need to print them out (so they don’t get lost) and then they promptly do exactly that (get lost) in the piles on my desk.

Clearly I need a better system.

But as I sort through the papers I am reminded why I saved all of it!!!!!

Here’s an example. This quote was sent to me by a friend.

“There are two types of people who will tell you that you cannot make a difference in this world: Those who are afraid to try and those who are afraid you will succeed.”  Ray Goforth

Words to live by.

Love much,

xob

www.helpusadopt.org

Therefore, it’s bound to happen that everywhere I went I ran into old friends….

And what struck me was that many friends are reading An Infertile Blonde and had questions…and comments (most comments were of the sarcastic variety but hey they’re reading—I can’t complain).

Some of the questions I had addressed early on in my blogging days but since you’re asking  I will readdress them again….

So here goes:

1.      “Real Blonde? Really” OK Chuckles……In my youth I was white blonde….in my teens not so much…but it was easily remedied. 

2.      Chuckles again: “Are all blondes stupid*?” No but perhaps the person who asked this question is?

3.      “Where is Farrah (my beloved Chocolate Lab) buried?” She’s not. Her ashes are in my closet.

4.      “Why on earth was The Girl’s adoption so expensive?”  We chose a service provider who was on the more expensive side (as fees go), we underestimated the cost of travel between us and our service provider, we underestimated the amount of trips we’d have to make to our service provider, we underestimated how long the adoption would take and the amount of paperwork that would have to be re-filed during that period and we experienced a failed adoption.  In a nutshell that’s it — although the actual story is a little longer and more detailed—2 ½ years to be exact.

Got a question for the Infertile Blonde?

Feel free to email me at becky.fawcett@helpusaodpt.org. Chances are if you are wondering something then someone else is too. Your identity will be kept confidential but I can’t promise that I won’t call you “Chuckles” if you ask a ridiculous question.

Love Much,

Xob

www.helpusadopt.org

*”Stupid’s not nice” / The Boy

It’s been a great and exhausting summer and now I am back in the office and getting myself organized for the next four months of craziness.

The Boy starts Kindergarten next week…..

The Girl is getting teeth and crawling like crazy….any day now we’ll have some first words I think.

And Helpusadopt.org is pulling together final details for our amazing fall events…..invitations are being designed, committees are working hard securing sponsors and auction items…..and I am creating a time line so I don’t miss a beat.

And in the midst of the craziness, when I went to the Helpusadopt.org post office box today, I was reminded why we do it all….

As if I could ever forget……but it sure is nice to hear it

“Dear Helpusadopt.org,

We wanted to take the time to say THANK YOU from the bottom of our hearts for the generous grant you awarded us as well as all the support over the past few months.  Adoption has been a long road for us, and we are so grateful to finally be parents! You awarded our grant to us just at the time when we were starting to question if adoption really worked and if we were really meant to be parents.  Our daughter is the sweetest little thing that God ever created and without Helpusadopt.org we don’t know if she would be in our family.  We are not sure how to actually state how we are feeling besides: grateful, ecstatic, happy, relieved, proud, and blessed.  We are so blessed to have met Helpusadopt.org when we needed someone to believe in us and our adoption journey.  Please keep doing what you are doing and continue to stand up for adoptive parents around the world.  As we know too well, adoptive parents need more support and need to have rights.  We can only try to understand how difficult placements can be for bith parents, but adoptive parents shouldn’t be looked down upon throughout the process. 

From the bottom of our hearts, THANK YOU! Helpusadopt.org is wonderful!”

Love much,

xo b

www.helpusadopt.org

But back in April 0f 2009 when her book “Look Again” came out, for once I didn’t rush out to buy it.

I couldn’t.

The subject matter scared the hell out of me.

You’re probably thinking “get a grip blondie…it’s just a book…”

And yes part of me knew that…..but when I read the book jacket I couldn’t bring my self to read it…..until last weekend (1 1.2 years later).

And I even then I questioned if I should go there…..but I did.

Here’s what it’s about:

“When Ellen Gleeson gets a ‘Have You Seen This Child?’ flyer in the mail, she almost throws it away.  But something about it makes her look again, and her heart stops.  The child in the photo looks exactly like her adopted son, Will.  Everything inside her tells her to deny the similarity between her son and the boy in the photo, because she knows her adoption was lawful……But if Will rightfully belongs to someone else, should she keep him or give him up? ‘Look Again’ questions the very essence of parenthood and raises a moral quandary that will haunt readers long after they’ve finished the last page, leaving them with the ultimate question: What would I do?”

GULP.

First of all I need you to know that I don’t think this story applies to my life or my adoptions in any way shape or form.

But the funny thing about adopiton is that once you are a part of it it’s like a “club” and you become a fierce protector against all things negative.

And regardless of the fact that I like Lisa Scottoline’s books, this storyline is what occupies the nightmares of adoptive parents. 

This story line is what makes many crinkle their noses at the concept of adoption and say “it’s not for me” or “I would never adopt.”  

Therefore this story line to me is negative.

I suppose if I wasn’t an adoptive parent I might have a different point of view, but since I have build my family through adoption, I am an adoptive momma and my children are adopted.  So you can imagine that I just don’t really care for the negative stories.

Some of the real life adoption stories are scary enough….I don’t need it to overflow into my world of fiction.

I am waiting for K to read this book….because I am wondering how he’ll react and I’ll be sure to let you know.

In the mean time I am still a Lisa Scottoline fan….and don’t blame her one bit for writing this book…..I am sure it was a best seller….the world LOVES reading about the dark side of adoption unfortunately…..

But what the world doesn’t know is that my gut tells me it’s based on a true story…….

So what would you do?

Love much,

xob

www.helpusadopt.org

I don’t particularly like to worry but I like to be realistic,  I like to be informed and I like to know what I am up against.

But sometimes too much information leads to worrying.

I know for a fact that infertile people worry a lot.

I know for a fact that people going through an adoption worry a lot too…..possibly more.

I speak from experience.

I recently read one of my “Book Club” books called The Noticer by Andy Andrews.

“Sometimes, all a person needs is a little perspective” it says on the cover.

Ah….perspective (read sarcasm).

I wasn’t sure this was going to be the book for me but I treat books like food: I’ll try anything once.

There was one part of the book in particular which I found interesting and that was the part about worrying…..

In it the author states that:

40% of the things you worry about will never occur anyway.

30% of the things you worry about have already happened—in the past.

12% of the things you worry about have to do with needless imaginings about your health.

10% of the things you worry about are petty little nothing worries about what other people think.

Which leaves 8% for legitimate concerns. And this 8% is made up of things that can actually be dealt with.

So there you have it.

8%.

I wonder what I am going to do with all my free time now?????

Love much,

xob

www.helpusadopt.org

Happy Friday.

It’s Mommy Day here in NYC.

Love much,

xob

www.helpusadopt.org

There are certain things in life you just can’t plan for.

Being infertile is one.

Miscarriage is another.

And in the case of my friend E…it was finding yourself unmarried at 38 and wanting to be a mother. 

Badly.

Then, of course, there’s the undexpected cost of adoption….no one can really plan for this…..and many are caught off guard by the up front amount and the mandatory incidentals along the way (including yours truly).

As we approached Panera’s entrance for our final visit of Helpusadopt.org Road Trip 2010 I could see her smile from a mile away.

We didn’t even introduce ourselves — we just hugged.

The beautiful little boy she was holding in her arms was a bit of a hint that I had the right person….

“He’s gorgeous!” I said.

She beamed.

E and I started catching up like old friends right in the entrance to Panera….there was so much to share.

We were blocking everything.

So we moved to a table in the back where C & L totally took over…..they rearranged the furniture, moved the lights and lowered the shades creating our own Helpusadopt.org talk show set….I’m not so sure the management was pleased, but when they asked what we were doing —no one could say “no” to an adoption non-profit.  Plus let’s face facts, one look at baby “I” and no one could EVER say no to him.

To an outsider looking in you would have thought (once again) that E and I had known each other forever.

As we settled into our chairs E said “thank you” and her eyes welled up.

I shook my head (as my eyes welled up) “please…..it was our pleasure.  This is what we do.  Just look at him!”

“But that’s what I mean by thank you……had this grant not come at the exact time it did” and looked away while shaking her head…. “then the timing would have been off.  I would have had to pass on his birthmother match and he wouldn’t be mine. So thank you.”

I just smiled.

I said nothing.

Why?

Because I couldn’t speak at that exact moment in time. 

I knew exactly what she meant by timing.

I have these thoughts about The Boy’s adoption….all the bumps in the road that got us to him.

And The Girl…well most of you know all about the bumps in the road that got us to her.

Not a day goes by that I don’t look at my kids and thank God that they are mine—because what if?

What if my timing had been off for either one of them?

I asked E what she would tell our donors if she could…..

“I would like to tell them that I have a PhD. I have a respectable job as a college professor.  I am educated, from a good family and make a good living. But not good enough to have the extra lump sum that it takes to adopt.  As a single woman, I would have eventually found the way to do this but it would have taken much longer without the Helpusadopt.org grant.  And as I said earlier…..I would have had to pass on “I”’s birthmother situation.  He is my son because of Helpusadopt.org.”

E kept leaving me speechless.

“What’s the best part of your day now that you are a mom?” I asked.

“Besides waking up to his little noises? Without a doubt it’s when I pick him up at day care after work.  He will be across the room playing with something and the minute he sees me he drops the toy and races across the room.  It’s the look on his face when he realizes ‘mommy’s here’ that really means the most.”

I smiled with tears in my eye because I know that look….I remember that moment of recognition…there’s nothing like it.

“And do you remember the day I called you to tell you that you’d been awarded a grant?”

“Are you kidding? I remember the exact moment.  You called on my office phone and the only people who usually call on the office phone are students who need something (she said with a smile).  So when I picked up and you said you were with Helpusadopt.org and that you were calling about my grant application I had to stop and say ‘can you repeat that’…do you remember? I thought I was dreaming.”

I told her that I did remember that and that I also remember that she started crying when I told her Helpusadopt.org was awarding her the grant.

“And then you started crying.” She said “I remember that so clearly.  The most amazing thing about Helpusaodpt.org is that the grants you give are big enough to really make a difference –that and the fact that you support single people adopting.  So many other organizations wouldn’t even talk to me.”

Again, E has left me speechless.

“You just have no idea….” She said as she shook her head…. “what Helpusadopt.org means to me.”

And you my friend have no idea what you and baby “I” mean to all of us…..thank you for being a part of the Helpusadopt.org family.

And as we got in the car to drive away I had to call K immediately.  I had to tell him everything.  I just couldn’t believe the full circle our journey to become parents has taken.

I couldn’t believe that this is what has happened to the scared infertile couple from Rosemont, Pa.

 If you’d asked me 7 years ago as we headed into the office of an Infertility Doctor what my life would become I don’t think I ever would have had this answer.

And if you’d asked me back in on April 13^th 2007 when we opened the Helpusadopt.org checking account if I could have ever predicted what was about to happen—I could have only dreamed.

35 families through adoption.

To date Helpusadopt.org has helped to build 35 families through adoption.

And to the three I just met on our Road Trip 2010—-you might never know exactly what those visits meant to me.

I am forever grateful.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Love much,

Xob

www.helpusadopt.org

We spent the night in NC and drove to VA the next morning.

It was a 3+ hour drive and the only unfortunate thing about it was the fact that I got a $166 speeding ticket.

That was not pleasant.

I started to tell C & L how I had such a perfect driving record and then I remembered the speeding ticket last summer…..

……The ticket in NYC two years ago for pulling over in a Bus Zone (in my defense I had a crying child in the back seat I had to tend to)….

….And the speeding ticket I got two days before we moved to NYC (4 years ago)…..

Sigh…..

….. I guess my “perfect” driving record isn’t so “perfect”….

And this unpleasantness was compacted by the fact that we were on a two lane road in the middle of nowhere that just kept going and going and I had to pee.

Badly.

And we sat for 20 minutes while the officer wrote up the ticket.

Once we were on our way again I was overjoyed when we saw a sign for a BoJangles in 4 miles and just hoped that I wouldn’t get another speeding ticket as I rushed to get to that bathroom!

After totally getting lost and driving in circles for a little bit (K would have not been pleased we were winging it with the directions)….we finally made our way to our cute waterfront destination.

We had a great lunch, checked into our hotel and called J (our next visit) and told her we’d be there in 15 minutes.

I was especially excited for this visit because J adopted a young man out of the foster care system.  And unlike a baby, I was actually going to be able to talk to him and hear his story first hand.

One of the things I’d never been able to get out of my mind about J was what she’d written us in a thank you note. “I am so grateful for the Helpusadopt.org grant.  Now instead of working a second job I am an assistant coach for my son’s little league baseball team and we are both having a great time.”

Isn’t that the way it should be?

As we pulled up to yet another adorable house the three of us tumbled out of the car and I saw J at the front door.  I think she was probably wondering what she’d gotten herself into by saying yes to a visit…but she let us in anyway J

And let’s face facts….the three of us were a bit of a whirlwind.  But our hearts were in the right place and J realized that.

Again, as we sat in her living room and talked, it was as if we were old friends.  It was as if she’d been a mother forever.  She was savvy, smart, devoted and loving this young man she now calls her son and you could see it in her eyes.

I asked her what went through her mind when I called last year to tell her she’d been awarded a grant from Helpusadopt.org.

“I thought you were full of it. I thought it was a joke.”

I laughed because I remembered how skeptical she’d been when we had originally spoken on the phone.

“I couldn’t imagine that anyone was just going to write me a check to help me with the legal bill.  And I guess it didn’t even sink in until I went to the court hearing and my lawyer told me that they had received the check from Helpusadopt.org and I didn’t owe them anything. It was a miracle.”

I asked her how life has been since A came into it.

She turned to him with a smile and said “We’re a match.  We’re a lot alike. And it’s nice to wake up every day and have someone to share it with. We’re a family…. It’s nice to say that……We’re a family.”

I asked A how he felt and he looked at me with the impish smile that only a 14 year old boy can deliver and didn’t say anything ……but his eyes were twinkling.

He went on to tell us how when he first came to live with J she already had two rescue dogs and he wanted a dog of his own — so off they went to the shelter.  It was very clear he loved all three dogs and he told us how he’d trained Dexter (the Beagle) to pull him on his skateboard down the street. 

This was something we had to see….and with a little (ok a lot) of coaxing we dragged him outside and he showed us…don’t worry, we got it on film.  When we came back inside he showed us his room and then his new Tony Hawk game for the Wii (see photo above).  Of course I had no idea what this was but C seemed to know exactly what was going on. 

Which looking back on it might have been a mistake because then A said, “since I showed you the skateboard trick with the dog I want to see you (he pointed to C) do Tony Hawk.”And he pointed to the skateboard on the floor.

I don’t think A expected her to actually do it but she jumped right up on the skateboard and played the game…..it doesn’t matter that she was horrible at it…it matters that she did it.  And we were all laughing…..

As our visit came to an end I asked J what she would say to the donors of Helpusadopt.org if she could.

She said: “I hope that they realize that your organization is changing lives.  You’re giving children futures that they might not have had otherwise and you’re creating families.”

After we hugged goodbye and got in the car the three of us just looked at each other.

It was hard to put into words what we just experienced……

What an amazing woman….

What an amazing young man….

What an amazing future that lies ahead for them….

Helpusadopt.org is so grateful to be along for the journey…..

Love much,

Xob

www.helpusadopt.org

We landed in North Carolina, made our way to our rental car and hit the road.

Our first destination was 3 hours away and then we had another 3 hours until our visit.

We just started to drive….And then we started talking….. L started to film (because we are making a short documentary of the trip). 

We talked about how one of our visits wasn’t happening because the adoption had “failed” (that’s the technical term for “shit hit the fan before it could happen”)…..I was so sorry I was not going to meet this family.

We talked about how nervous I was…….

We talked about why we thought the “Chosen” t-shirt didn’t sell…..

We passed a prison and we wondered if we had seen Bernie Madoff in the yard? (He’s in NC right?)

And then we saw a sign…….

A HUGE sign that said “Outlet Mall” next right!

Question: Where do you think three NYC girls (who have every retail store at their fingertips) want to shop?????

Answer: Discount!!!!  We were in heaven…….

So we made our first stop (of what would become many) and had quite the successful trip to Gap (think $15 sun dresses)…after a pit stop at Dairy Queen for some fries, onion rings and diet cokes (think road trip diet)…..we were on the road again, headed towards our first “real” destination.

Shortly down the road, another billboard caught my eye.  It read “Every 28 seconds a teenager gets pregnant in North Carolina”

And then while I was still processing that piece of information I saw another one that almost made me crash the car….

It read “ Breast Milk is the Best Milk. EAT AT MOM’S.”  Had I not been so weirded out by this message, I would have turned around and taken a picture because I figure no one is going to believe us about that one…..I mean “Eat at Mom’s” Really?????

I regained my composure as we neared our destination and C called K to let her know we were getting close. 

As we pulled into the driveway my heart started to flutter and I took a deep breath.

In unison the three of us said “That is the cutest house!” (It was) and we got out of the car and looked at each other.

We’d come a long way and had high hopes for this visit….I think both C and L knew how much this meant to me and we all just silently hoped it would be fabulous.

We rang K’s door bell and when she opened the door and smiled it was as if we were visiting an old friend.

“HI! I’m Becky” I said and I extended my arms to hug her. “I’m so glad to meet you.  Thank you so much for letting us visit.”

I looked around the house for the man of the hour “Baby O” and she said “He’s asleep…but don’t worry he’ll be up before you leave.”

We made ourselves comfortable at K’s kitchen table and started to chat.

Just like two old friends.

Just like two moms.

Just like we’d known each other forever.

You would have never guessed we were just meeting for the first time.

We talked about K’s first son and his untimely death at 9 days old.  We talked about the genetic testing that led them to adopting.  We talked about the journey. We talked about the cost.  We talked about the loans K and her husband had taken out for the adoption.  We talked about the grant from Helpusaodpt.org and what a difference it had made.

K told me that the grant from Helpusaodpt.org meant more to them than just the money. 

“The day you called it was a sign.  It was a sign that someone else believed in us….believed in our journey.  After all we’d been through; it was so encouraging to know that your organization was standing behind us. We weren’t alone anymore.” She said.

And that’s when my eyes welled up and a tear ran down my cheek. 

“Thank you.” She said

I told her it wasn’t just me….

I told her that we have 700+ donors who believe in Helpusadopt.org and they are the ones that make our grants possible.

And as she smiled from ear to ear she said “Then please tell them thank you.  Thank you more than they’ll ever know.”

And with that we all heard a little voice on the baby monitor.

K returned a few minutes later with “Baby O” and my eyes welled up again.

He was perfect. Just perfect.

“Hi my friend” I said as I waved at him….now I am sure I imagined this but I swear our eyes locked and just in case you don’t know me….I think this about ALL adopted babies…..

And then I got to do what I’ve wanted to do since we started awarding grants in June of 2008…..

I got to hold him.

And I thought to myself….this is the future of Helpusadopt.org.  This little boy. This family.

And then for a brief moment I thought about all the people who told me not to create Helpusadopt.org.

I thought about all the people who said “it will be too much work”.

And I thought about all the people who said “it will take over your life”.

And while I won’t disagree that it isn’t a lot of work and it has taken over my life (in a good way)…..

I will tell you as I held that little boy and looked at the smile on his mother’s face that every minute has been worth it.

As we were packing up to leave, I asked K what they would have done had they not received a grant from Helpusadopt.org. 

“I don’t know.  I don’t think we could have borrowed any more money. But something would have worked out, I just don’t know what.”

I looked at K, with Baby O snuggling in her arms and I was so glad that she didn’t have to wonder how it would have worked out…..

Because I think it worked out just perfectly…..thanks, of course, to all of the people that believe in Helpusaodpt.org.

I am forever humbled by your generosity…..

Love much,

Xob

www.helpusadopt.org

I’ve been meaning to do it for sometime….

I Kept saying “someday”…… Someday I would take a road trip across America with my kids to meet all the grant recipients.

And then I asked myself…..why someday?

What am I really waiting for?

So K looked at a map  (because I am a challenged map reader) and found that we had a concentration of grant recipients in NC and VA and a short trip would be very doable —both financially (because helpusadopt.org does not have a budget for something like this) and geographically (because I am not a fan of long car trips).

So last Tuesday my alarm went off at 5:30 am and I got up to start what would be a life changing 3 day trip with my dear friends C (left)and L (right).

Truth be told I was nervous.

Very nervous.

Not many people know what K and I have put on the line for Helpusadopt.org…..especially the grant recipients. 

And because we have invested so much time and energy…Helpusadopt.org has become very close to our hearts (for obvious reasons) and because of that it becomes personal.

So to me our grant recipients are like family.

But I had to be prepared that they might not feel the same way….

They might not want to talk about adoption the way I do….

They might just take one look at me and wonder “why does she care?” “Why is she here?”

But what they don’t know is that they are so important to me because in addition to The Boy and The Girl,  our grant recipients give purpose and reason to my infertility…..and now my future. 

Helpusadopt.org is about Real People….Real Children….Real Lives and I feel so privileged to be a part of it.   

Our Road Trip started out with a strange detour through Brooklyn on the way to JFK (thank you Mr. Taxi man), multiple bag searches through security (thanks to my full size tube of toothpaste), a minor throw up incident (not ours) and caffeine withdraw —- but once we were on the plane and coffee was served we seemed to be on our way.

And my nervous apprehension turned in to genuine hope.

It was going to be a good trip…..

I just had no idea how good.

Love much,

xob