A friend of mine’s twin boys are turning nine tomorrow.

It was such an exciting time for us.

She didn’t know that I had been struggling to get pregnant…..

And I didn’t want my sadness to stand in the way of her joy—even though she would have never let that happen.

I remember the call that they were born….

I remember rushing over to the hospital with gifts…

I remember holding them and how good it felt….

And I remember smiling because I knew that I was pregnant…..

I knew that my turn was just around the corner….

What I didn’t know is that I would miscarry for the first time two weeks later…..

And this friend was one of the first to rush to my side…..

I can’t believe it was nine years ago…..

Love much,

xob

www.helpusadopt.org

Mother’s Day Mother’s Day Mother’s Day………

Its been on my mind for weeks now.

This should come as no surprise.

What on earth can I say that I haven’t said before?

Mother’s Day 2011 http://www.aninfertileblonde.com/?p=841

Mother’s Day 2010  http://www.aninfertileblonde.com/?p=500

And then, the other day, The Boy said it for me.

We were standing in the kitchen and he was telling me about his recent game of “Plants and Zombies.”

Yes…you heard me correctly…Plants and Zombies…lovely right?

It’s a big hit in our house…..

I am trying my best not to get hooked because lord knows it took me long enough to tear myself away from cookie dozer……

As we’re standing there he’s  going on about plants and zombies and as I looked at him I just started to think how tall he’s getting, how handsome he is, how I can’t believe he’s almost done with first grade, where did the last six years go etc….etc….

Then The  Boy looks up and says “Mom…..Mom….were you listening???? Mom did you hear me???”

“Sorry J….I was just thinking.” And I ruffled his hair.

“I know what you were thinking Mom.”

“You do?”

“You were thinking that you love me and you can’t believe I’m yours. And you were thinking about V(The Boy’s birthmother).”

And the funny thing is that I was.

I was thinking that without her, and without K (The Girl’s Birthmother) my life would be incomplete.

Happy Mother’s Day.

Love much,

xob

www.helpusadopt.org

Last Friday I had the honor of speaking at The Shipley
School’s lower school assembly (K-5^th grade).   This
is the school that I attended, from K – 12,  in Bryn Mawr, PA outside of
Philadelphia. 

 

They have a wonderful character development program and talk
daily about problem solving, creative thinking and giving back.  The older
students work on annual projects under the THINK CARE ACT principal.  For
these projects they are asked to take a large issue (can be worldwide in scope)
that has personal meaning and then creatively find a way to dissect the big
picture with a digestible idea that they as one person can execute and make a
difference. 

 

I was asked to speak
not only because I was a “lifer” and a graduate, but because Helpusadopt.org is
just that—-THINK. CARE. ACT.

 

So as I prepared for this honor I did a few things….

1.      
I dug up some of my old school pictures

2.      
I ordered chocolate brown Helpusadopt.org rubber bracelets to give  the kids

3.      
Thought about how I wanted to present the topic of adoption and
Helpusadopt.org to a group of kids ranging in age from 5-10 (this would not be
like my grown up speeches)

4.      
I asked The Boy if he wanted to be involved

 

The Boy said yes…..quite possibly because it meant a day of
hooky from school in NYC and a long weekend at Nanny and Poppie’s house…but regardless,
the important thing was that he said yes.

 

The reason I wanted The Boy to be involved is that not only
was I going to be speaking to his peers, but also, my children have been raised
with the confidence that being an adoptive family is a pretty great thing and
it is my dream that part of the Helpusadopt.org platform is to spread that
confidence to other children (adopted or not).

 

We arrived at my parent’s house Thursday night and as I was
getting him ready for bed we talked about the assembly — what I was going to
talk about and how I needed his help.  I figured based on his answers, I
had time to prep him and steer him in the right direction.

 

But when I asked him if he knew what he would tell the group
he said “Of course mom –this is what I am going to say”  and I had to compose myself because I had
nothing to add. 

 

He needed no prepping.

 

He was going to be a star.

 

Friday morning rolled around and as the students filed into
the gym, I sat in the back with my parents and The Boy and The Girl.

 

After my introduction I took the microphone and my school
pictures from 2^nd, 3^rd, 4^th and 5^th
grade went up on the screen and the ice was broken.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My talk focused around FAMIY and how all families are
different and unique and the kids really responded……

 

When I asked questions, they raised their hands to
participate….and they had the most eloquent things to say…..I could have stayed
all day!

 

First I asked “who here is part of a family?”

 

Everyone including The Girl raised their hands.

 

And when everyone’s hand went down, The Girl’s hand stayed
up (pretty cute).

 

Then I asked the question what makes your family unique….I
was able to take 5 comments….the fifth comment came from a boy I picked at
random and he said:

 

“My family is unique because I am adopted and so is my
sister.”

 

I wanted to hug him. 

 

I loved his answer.

 

I asked the kids if they wanted to know about MY
family…..and I was met with a resounding yes!

 

I told them that I am a daughter (and my parents waved to
the group), a sister, a wife (and a picture of me and K went up on the screen) but
that most importantly I am The Boy and The Girl’s mother and I built my family
through adoption.

 

Enter Jake.

 

I introduced my special guest and he walked to the front of
the gym to take the microphone.

 

Without hesitation he said: “HI. My name is Jake and I am
adopted.”

 

The group cheered.

 

“And my sister Brooke is adopted too.”

 

The group cheered again.

 

“Now Jake,” I said.  “There might be some people in the
audience who don’t know what the word adoption means.  Do you want to tell
them?”

 

“Adoption is when a woman has a baby, but she can’t take
care of that baby, and she loves that baby, so she makes a plan and she gives the
baby to someone else who wants to be a mom and dad and they adopt that baby and
become a family.”

 

And that my friends is what my 6 year old son came up with
on his own and told a group of over 200 people.

 

I went on to explain that an adoptive family is not related
by blood but by love.

 

I was so proud.

 

And what’s even better was that he was too.

 

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

 

And I didn’t prep him for the speech.

 

But this is how we talk about adoption in our house….

 

Openly, honestly…..and frequently.

 

It is how our family was built…..

 

It is how I became a mother….

 

And now it’s how we help others…..

 

Think.

Care.

Act.

www.helpusadopt.org

 

 

 

Love much,

xob

 

This morning I woke up to this news:

 

“Baby boy found abandoned in Brooklyn.”

 

Last week, also in Brooklyn, a baby girl was abandoned with
the umbilical cord still attached.

 

Several days earlier in Newark, NJ an infant girl was
abandoned at a bus stop across the street from an area hospital.

 

And about a month earlier in Coney Island, an infant girl
was abandoned in the hallway of an apartment building. 

 

You can imagine what these stories do to a girl like me…..

 

And these are just the stories that made the news.

 

These are just the babies that were found….

 

These are just the babies that were saved……

 

And this is just in my backyard…..

 

This is a topic many don’t want to talk about because it’s
dark…..

 

Because it’s scary….

 

Because for many it’s unfathomable.

 

I can only imagine the level of desperation one reaches when
abandoning a child under these types of circumstances…

 

Children’s lives are at stake……

 

Maybe it’s time we talk.

 

Love much,

xob

www.helpusadopt.org  

This week I am being honored for my work with Helpusadopt.org by NY1 as their New Yorker of the week!

 

The segment first aired Friday night and I watched it with The Boy and K (The Girl was sleeping).

 

The reporter had asked me to explain how it felt when I finally realized (after IVF) that I would not be able to have biological children or to ever be pregnant….

 

How did it feel—they wanted to know.

 

And I said: “it was the death of a dream.”

 

And as soon as that line came a cross the airwaves….

 

My beautiful 6 year old Boy turned to  me and said: “It was the death of a dream because you couldn’t be pregnant?”

 

And my heart sank.

 

Before I could even open my mouth to say something motherly to explain the emotions I felt back in 2004…..

 

My sweet, sweet boy said: “Mom, didn’t you realize that you had a new dream and it was me?”

 

Smart Kid.

 

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

 

Here’s the link to the segment.

 

http://www.ny1.com/content/features/nyer_of_the_week/157066/nyer-of-the-week–manhattan-mom-helps-others-along-path-to-adoption

 

Love much,

xob

www.helpusadopt.org

I was recently asked to write a piece on how adopted kids feel about birthdays.  When I initially read the email request my immediate reaction was “what’s to write about…they love them, just like any other kid.”

 

And then I took a minute to really think about it because I respect the person who asked me to do this and I knew there had to be more to her request. 

 

Clearly the first step in this process would be to ask my kids how they feel about their birthdays because as we all know I am not adopted.

 

But that wasn’t going to work because my kids are too young (6 and 2) to really tell me how they feel about birthdays.  The Boy would tell me that he LOVES his birthday (ie the party, presents, cake etc….) and The Girl….we’ll I’m guessing that this year when she turns 3 will be the first time she really gets what a birthday is all about…..

 

And then the more I thought about this something occurred to me….

 

Even though I don’t know how my kids will feel about their birthdays as they get older….my kids (both domestic adoptions) have relatively simple birthday stories…..

 

And because they were both open domestic adoptions, I have a lot of information for them….I had relationships with their birthmothers. 

 

The day The Boy was born I was actually in the delivery room with him and his birthmother.

 

The Girl (as I’ve told you before) was clearly in a rush to get here and arrived three weeks early and quickly—surprising everyone—including her birth mother.  I wasn’t there physically but I had pictures within 5 minutes of her being born and I talked to her birthmother while she was still in the delivery room.  My heart was there.  So the day that The Girl was placed in my arms was also a very significant day….

 

And then there are the finalization days (when months after the birth you stand before a judge) —some people call these “gotcha days” —I don’t particularly care for that term but I understand the significance of these days.  Some celebrate these days as birthdays. As of yet we have not had specific celebrations (like a family dinner) for their finalization days—this is something that K and I want to do when they are old enough to really understand what it means. 

 

But what if your child wasn’t a newborn when he or she joined your family?

What if your child doesn’t have a record of their exact birth date (it happens).

What if there are special circumstances????

I’ve been told that sometimes birthdays can bring up negative feelings of abandonment….

So what then?

 

It was at this point that I realized I am truly unqualified to write this article.

 

From my perspective as an adoptive mother my children’s birthdays will always be very significant and overwhelmingly happy moments in my life.

 

To this day I can’t sing happy birthday at their parties without tearing up because I remember every second of the day that these amazing creatures came into my life…..

 

And I cry because I remember my struggle (every second of it) to become a mother….and what it meant to me.

 

And I remember what their birth mothers heroically sacrificed to help me become a mother…….

 

From my perspective my children’s birthdays are all about love and all about celebrating them…..and honoring their birth parents.

 

And when they are older…..

 

They will be able to tell me what they think.

 

They will be able to tell me how they feel.

 

 

I reached out to Facebook friends and gathered some stories from older adoptees and they were all inspiring…..

 

But those stories confirmed it.

 

I will not write the article.

 

I will not speak for them—it would be impossible since each story is uniquely their own. 

 

I can only share my perspective…..

 

But I hope that if anyone is reading who wants to share “what birthdays mean to adoptees” then by all means please comment.

 

And if you would rather share your story with me privately (because I’d love to hear about it)  then you can reach me at becky.fawcett@helpusadopt.org

 

Love much,

Xob

www.helpusadopt.org

Dear V……..

I thought of you today….

Our Boy lost his first tooth…..

Love much,

xob

www.helpusadopt.org

 A few weeks ago I wrote a blog “So you can’t have a baby” (http://www.aninfertileblonde.com/?p=1015)

 

And it really resonated with people….

 

One of the comments posted reminded me of a story that I’m pretty sure I haven’t told you yet.

 

Pre-The Boy, I was at lunch with a group of friends and someone out of the blue said:” I really admire you Becky.”

 

“Really? Why?” I asked.

 

“You’re so brave to adopt.” She continued.

 

Yep…there it was.

 

Brave my ass…….

 

I didn’t feel brave…..I was a wreck.

 

Back then I don’t think there was a brave bone in my body.

 

And now that the entire table was staring at me it just confirmed what I thought people were thinking: “thank god I’m not her”.

 

I had no idea what I was supposed to say……

 

Until……

 

She went on to say “I mean you have no idea what you are going to get.”

 

NOW I had something to say.

 

“Neither did any of you.” I said with all the dignity I could muster.

 

“Well, I mean it’s just that you don’t know anything about the birthmother.”

 

“Not true….” I replied

 

“Oh you know what I mean…..you don’t have any control over what she’s eating or if she’s going to the doctor.”

 

Now I knew at this point that I really should have left this well enough alone—but I couldn’t.

 

“Do you think that I’m worried about what she’s eating? Is that really what you think I’m worried about?”

 

It was at this point that a dear friend changed the subject and saved the day.

 

I survived the lunch.

 

I’ll tell you one thing I learned during my journey to motherhood….

 

Becoming a mother is risky business no matter how you slice it.

 

But at the end of the day….

 

Whichever road you take to (and these days there are many)….

 

And if you are extremely fortunate……

 

You will have a child.

 

A child that you love.

 

Unconditionally.

 

No matter what.

 

And if you are building your family through adoption, yes, there are perhaps some more variables in the mix than if you had a baby the old fashioned way.

 

But who knows….

 

You might be adopting the next Steve Jobs, the next Jeff Bezos,  the next Larry Ellison, the next Kristin Chenoweth, the next DMC, the next Sarah McLachlan, the next Faith Hill, or the next Dave Thomas.

 

It’s a world of opportunity…..no one ever knows what they’re going to get.

 

Embrace it.

 

Love much,

Xob

www.helpusadopt.org

I adore them.

As you all know I am an avid and loyal Tori Spelling fan (read Tori & Jake http://www.aninfertileblonde.com/?p=645.)

I’ve been a avid fan of Tori & Dean Inn Love, and Home Sweet Hollywood…..

And that’s how I met The Guncles….

Well, ok…so I’ve never really met them. But that’s the magic of television…I feel as if I have.

You can check them out on www.thegunclesonline.com .

A few seasons ago, I cried as I watched them plan their wedding while they talked about adopting a child together….

And I cried as they struggled with the wait to be matched with a birthmother….

I SOBBED when they Told Tori that they’d been talking with a birthmother….

And by the time Baby Simone was born and it was official they were DADS — I was sobbing….

I felt connected to them because now we’re members of the same club.

The Adoption Club.

I “liked” their page on Facebook.

I f”ollowed” them on Twitter.

And then something wonderful happened…..

One of The Guncles” followed” me (@infertileblonde ) and Helpusadopt.org (@helpusadoptorg)  back!!!!

Very Cool.

And  then last fall, they announced the launch of their consulting firm “Hold My Hand Adoptions.” and I knew we had to speak.

Now they were really talking my language.

Long story short, a few weeks ago we spoke on the phone!!!!!

And it was so great.

I recognized their voices immediately.

We talked about our Magic Babies, Helpusadopt.org, Hold My Hand Adoptions and how we could work together to make the world of adoption a better place.

It was a great conversation and I am so grateful for the time they spent with me on the phone.

They ended the conversation by telling me how much they LOVE the Helpusadopt.org bracelets  and what they stand for (music to my ears)….

So I sent them a care package —one for each of them and one for little Miss Simone….

Wear them well my friends and thank you for all you do to make the world of adoption a better place.

Hope to meet you in person one of these days.

Love much,

xob

www.helpusadopt.org

 

 

http://www.aninfertileblonde.com/?p=645

As you know, Friday’s are Mommy Day (as in Mommy is home not at the office).

The Girl and I go to music class in the morning…..it’s our time together.

Last Friday we were all set to go.

I went to the coat closet to put my coat on and get hers…..

And when I turned around she was no where to be found.

Given that we live in a NYC apartment I didn’t have far to go…..

And I found her in the kitchen….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Covered in egg……

Seems to be her new favorite toy because over the weekend The Boy found a dozen eggs at the foot of his bed.

Love much,

xob

www.helupsadopt.org