There was a recent comment on An Infertile Blonde that made me remember a moment in my life that I had forgotten about…..

And maybe it will help to share…..

Once upon a time (about 6 years ago) there were three friends.

Two were married.

One was about to get married.

One had a baby.

One was desperately trying.

And one day they met for lunch.

The conversation (as it usually did those days) went right into wedding plans (which were very fun and exciting) and then on to  “are you going to try to get pregnant as soon as you are married?”

I tried to be a part of it.

I tried to be excited.

I just listened and kept eating my lunch.

The unmarried friend said, “I’m a little scared of being pregnant…especially about giving birth.” (Fair)

And they looked at me and asked, “Are you scared of being pregnant?”

Stunned, I replied, “I’m a little more scared of never getting pregnant at this point.”

And that pretty much brought lunch to a close.

I felt terrible….I should have kept my mouth closed but the words were out before I could help it.

To my readers…..your fears are justified…just as mine were….and you will get through this.

But this journey we’re all on leads us in new directions……

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…..

Sometimes they are directions that we never would have found for ourselves.

As I think about my two miracles……

I think how lucky I am that my original plan didn’t work out…..because where would I be without The Boy and The Girl?

And the thing about friends…the really good ones… is that they hang in there with you as you find your way.

I know mine did.

Love much,

xob

It’s amazing sometimes to find out what other people think of you.

Sometimes it’s humbling.

Other times it’s upsetting and hurtful.

And sometimes it’s just plain shocking when you realize how others perceive you to be.

I’ll never forget after my very public IVF miscarriage at 14 weeks when someone looked me in the eyes and said with a smile:

“I’m just surprised you were pregnant.  I thought you would never give up your career or your figure for a baby. You are so IN to your job”

If she’d only known what I’d been through to get myself to this point.

I’ll just never understand how some people tick…..

Did she ever stop to think that the reason I was “so IN to my job” was because it was my distraction??????

All I can say is NEVER….EVER….judge a book by its cover.

Love much,
xob

After one of our Helpusadopt.org events last year, I received this email from one of our guests…..

“It is really amazing what you do.  Getting pregnant was very easy for me—I never gave it a second thought.  I never appreciated that people would want to be parents so badly that they would spend every last dime torturing themselves with IVF and the long (and expensive) adoption process.  Because of Helpusadopt.org and the stories I now hear (thanks to you) I look at being a mom a little differently than I used to. You have definitely made me realize how lucky I am. Thank you!”

Love much,

xob

“

Someone recently brought a book about the adoption process  to my attention.

They said they were finding it helpful because it provided a lot of basic information.

Fine.

I have not read this book.

But she showed me the cover I almost choked on my coffee.

“How to Adopt a Baby Simply and Easily.”

All I am going to say is that I don’t know how ANYONE in their right mind can say that adoption can be or is a simple and easy process.

And to say that it is— is simply irresponsible and misleading to those seeking help and guidance.

How about “How to simplify the complex process of adoption?”

OR

“Your guide to the complex world of adoption?”

If I were ever to write a “how to book on adoption” which most likely I will not—becuase there are many good ones out there…..I think my title would be “How to navigate your journey through adoption without a map.”

Love much,

xob

The last few weeks have been wonderful.

Not perfect…but wonderful.

Don’t get me wrong I’ve still been living through the freezing cold weather, some snow, school closings, a sick dog and semi-unemployment (which is a real joy)….

But I’ve been SLEEPING!!!!!

Yes the girl has been sleeping through the night.

And I must say that while I really am not a fan of 2am, 3am or 4am feedings….I did learn a lot during those 10 weeks.

As it turns out, television at those hours of the morning can be quite educational:

1. You can say good bye to underarm flab in just 6 minutes a day with the “Shake Weight” (the linebacker loved this one)

2. For those suffering from “neck flab” you can say good bye to that in 12 minutes a day with a little exercise machine called the “Neckline Slimmer” (plastic surgeons watch out)

3. The Hair Club is not just for men

4. For just $29.99 you an be “Instantly Thin” in 62 hours….you’ll probably need hospitalization but you’ll be thin.

5.  My psychic advisor is waiting to talk to me (might actually call one of these days)

6. And my retainer case glows in the dark.

love much,

xob

My “never full tote”.

I loved this bag when I first got it.

But then it seemed as if everyone and their mother got it too.

So I stopped using mine…which seemed like such a waste.

I almost sold it to a friend…..

And then I thought about selling it on Ebay….I just never got around to it.

THEN I got it in my head that I would have my bag painted—so it would be unique and different.

I wanted to have “tattoo hearts” painted with my kids names. 

But  there were two obstacles I had to overcome….

1. I had to find someone who could do it

2. I needed my second child

Last September after much searching, I found my artist!!!!

Now I just needed that baby…..

And once she arrived we went to work.

And this week I got my new painted bag!!!

What do you think?

Love much,

xob

ps. you didn’t think I really got a tattoo did you? I’ve had enough needles in my life thank you very much–don’t need any more.

There are many people out in the world I live in who say “ADOPTION IS NOT NATURAL.”

You can imagine what that does to me. 

I’ve been sitting on this blog for months… because it’s just not a simple statement.

Clearly my response (or any contradicting response for that matter) is going to open many cans of worms.

But the more I think about it I just don’t think that “not-natural” is the right word combination to describe adoption.  I don’t even really understand what that means.

I take it to mean “unnatural” which in most cases means “not real” or “artificial”. 

Unnatural is a word used to describe someone’s hair color (possibly mine) —not a child and their family relationship. 

The research I’ve done on this topic gives me reason to believe that this group of people thinks that all babies/children should stay and remain with their biological parents—with no exception to the rule—-EVER. 

That to me is an unfair generalization—it’s just not that easy—nothing in life is. 

Do people describe biological children as “natural”? I’ve never heard it termed that way.

And last time I checked, my children are biological—they just aren’t my biology. 

If by “not-natural” this group of people means “not biological” then by all means just say “not biological”…you’ll get no argument from me. 

And if by “not-natural” this group of people is referring to adoptions gone bad (because unfortunately these do happen) then by all means please clarify instead of generalizing.

So…….. to those who say that adoption is “not natural” here we go… I respectfully disagree.

In my life (which is what An Infertile Blonde is about) I equate adoption with motherhood….

For me it’s the most natural feeling in the world.

For me loving my children is instinct….it’s inherent.

You may chose to disagree and that’s your choice.

I simply hope that no one ever tells my children to their faces that the way our family was built is “not-natural.”

It’s hard enough for me to hear it and quite frankly……

It is simply unkind.

Go pick on someone your own size….

Love much,

xob

I have my grandfather’s nose.

I have my dad’s teeth and his smile.

I have my mom’s hands (and knees as you already know).

They are identifying genetic factors that have been passed down in our family from generation to generation —they tie us together. 

And today I can easily say what I couldn’t say then…..

Part of the reason that made it so hard for me to jump from infertility treatments to adoption was all about looks.

Now for those reading who instantly want to tell me to stop being so vain you can go right ahead.

I knew it and that was part of my struggle. 

I was embarrassed that this was the way I was feeling because it shouldn’t matter.  It’s not what being a parent is all about.

I had a hard time expressing my fears —because I was terrified of being judged for it.

I was sad that by not having a biological child that he or she wouldn’t have my eyes, Kipp’s nose, my mother’s hands or my dad’s and my smile.

But sometimes you just can’t help how you feel.

And if you stop and think for a moment about how the first thing most people do when they see a baby is say, “Does he/she look more like you or your husband?” —then maybe you’ll understand where I am coming from.

And since then I’ve grown.

I remember once (long ago before I ever tried to have children) I told a friend that her son was 100% her husband….she almost burst in to tears right then and there.

I didn’t mean to hurt her.

I felt terrible and there was nothing I could do to take it back.

But her son really was the spitting image of her husband—and it bothered her that his face showed no visual presence of her genes.

So long story short— I came to terms with the fact that our child might not look like either one of us and that that would be ok.

Because our story wasn’t going to be in our looks.

Our story was going to be in the journey.

So when The Boy’s birth mother told me that she looked like she could be my sister I laughed…..really?

And when I met her I was amazed—she really did look like me –our features were very similar.  

I never expected it to work out this way.

And then there’s the boy…..I’ll never forget the time that I was walking down the street with him a couple of years ago and a random woman stopped me.

“He’s all you and he’s gorgeous.” She said.

“Thank you.” I said as I laughed to myself.

“I hope your husband’s ok with that.” She added as she walked away.

And there you have it—even strangers are compelled to compare a child’s looks to his or her parents. 

And now, when people tell me that The Boy has my smile, I simply say thank you.

I know that he has his birthmother’s smile (and someday he will too).

However…… I just might be the reason he smiles so much.

Love much,

xob

Yesterday it took me not one, not two but THREE Tries to get all the proper “proof of residence” paperwork to The Boy’s school in order to register him for Kindergarten this fall.

Admittedly, I had an off morning.

But in my defense I did speak to someone regarding this matter two weeks ago.

Clearly I did not ask the right questions.

I was ill informed……

Apparently so was she.

I missed my workout with the Linebacker (because I had to stand in line three times)  and the security guard at the school thinks I’m a nut but The Boy is registered.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, later that morning, I was one of the library mom’s at his school.  It wasn’t until I was on the bus home from an afternoon meeting that I realized I had called the other library mom by the wrong name the entire time we were together.

MORTIFIED. MORTIFIED. MORTIFIED.

I emailed her to apologize — and she was very nice about it.

She shares her last name with a friend of mine in Philadelphia—it was an honest mistake.

An embarrassing one, but an honest one.

I really need my brain back.

The Girl is sleeping through the night.

I suppose it’s only a matter of time.

Love much,

Xob 

One of my chic, uber-hip friends who makes me cooler for just knowing her is coming to meet Brooke.

It will not be an easy visit for her…..

And  it won’t be easy for me because I have been in her shoes (sort of)….and I will never forget.

You see, my uber-hip friend is suffering from secondary infertility.

What does that mean?

In her case it means that with her first child it was so easy.

She got pregnant immediately, had an easy pregnancy, even an easy delivery (20 minutes) and had a baby that slept through the night at 7 weeks.

Life was good.

And life is still good it’s just more challenging for her these days.

It pains me.  It seems like when one of us leaves the “struggling team” another one gets up to bat.

If my memory serves me correctly she tried for almost a year before she became pregnant again…..

Only to suffer a miscarriage.

And then another.

And another.

I’ve heard people say things like “well at least she has one, she should count her blessings.”

And that is not fair.

It is true she has a child to love and hold but her pain is valid and her pain is real.

I know our visit will be a tearful one….

Tears of sadness and joy…..

Joy for The Girl FINALLY arriving….

And sadness for my friend’s struggle.

But my friend needs to know how brave I think she is.

“Just keep telling me I’ll get there…” she said in one of her emails.

You’ll get there my friend.

And I am here for you.

I must say it on a daily basis…..

Becoming a parent is not easy…..

No matter what path you take….

And some journeys are harder than others.

I will be glad when the day comes that instead of leaning on each other for support as we struggle to become mothers we can simply set up play dates with our kids.

Unfortunately with 7.3 million infertile American’s a year—-that day might never come.

Love much,

xob