How many times did I hear “so you can’t have a baby? Big deal…..you’ll adopt.”

 

Well…..

 

Perhaps it’s time I filled these well meaning people in.

 

IT IS A BIG DEAL.

 

ITS HUGE!

 

And not only is it huge….it’s painful on so many levels.

 

I know the people who said this to me meant well…..they did didn’t they? I mean PLEASE tell me I’m right on this one.

 

But to say with a  flip of the wrist to “get over it” just  isn’t fair…..

 

And to say it in a public situation…when you are not alone….is cruel.

 

I even had a friend’s husband literally grab my shoulders and shake me at a cocktail party.

 

He thought it was funny and he said “There. Maybe you just needed to shake things up.” (I can’t make this stuff up).

 

It isn’t kind.

 

Especially when the “voice of reason” had no trouble having children.

 

Now let’s get one thing perfectly straight here……I’m not angry…although I lost track of the times this was said to me in one way or another….

 

I was never angry at these people…..

 

Just incredibly hurt and embarrassed—sometimes even MORTIFIED (ie the cocktail party incident).

 

And I’m telling the story in the hopes that this situation might not repeat itself….

 

It’s really hurtful when a friend….a good friend….says these words to you.

 

Because while they meant to be supportive what I heard was this:

 

I heard that they were sick of my tears.

 

I heard that they were sick of my struggle.

 

I heard that they didn’t want to listen anymore when I needed them so desperately to lean on.

 

And the icing on the cake was “IVF has worked for everyone I know….hang in there it will work for you.”

 

But it didn’t. 

 

So I heard “you’re so broken that even IVF and the best medical team money can buy can’t fix you and everyone knows.”

 

And I heard all this while I was going through something so painful and so personal that I could barely make it through the day sometimes.

 

And so I propose this:

 

Why not say……

 

“I hate to see you in pain like this. Have you thought about other ways to build your family? What about adoption?”

 

“Another friend of mine once told me this is a very hard juncture to get through…….how can I help?”

 

“I’m here for you.  Do you want to talk?”

 

And when all else fails and you really have no idea what to say to your friend….try the brutally honest approach (as you know it’s one of my favorites)…..

 

“I have to admit I have no idea what to say or do but I really want to help and I love you.”

 

And if you really can’t say any of this then please please please…….

 

SEND A CARD.

 

But do not under any circumstances let your friend go it alone.

 

I’ll tell you this…..

 

These conversations aren’t easy to have ….even for me…and I’ve been in these shoes.

 

I can’t tell you the number of people  / friends I talk to as they are struggling with infertility and considering adoption.

 

But I do remember what it felt like…VIVIDLY.

 

So I’ll leave you with these words…..

 

I WAS broken (totally broken)…….but my children healed me.

 

And you don’t have to ever get “over it” if you chose not to……

 

But you might want to get past it……

 

Because being a mother through adoption is a magical thing.

 

 

Love much,

Xob

www.helpusadopt.org

 

 

 

I am not a fan of New Year’s Resolutions…..

 

Primarily because I typically pick something that I really think I can deal with (like last year’s vow to not be so messy in the apartment and to keep my desk clean)……

 

And I fail miserably….I really don’t like failing.

 

But there are some things I’m just not good at and being a “neat freak” is one of them (which is really too bad).

 

So this year I am picking something that I know I won’t fail at….

 

Because I’m not going to let myself.

 

I AM GOING TO GET OVER SOME OF MY IRRATIONAL FEARS.

 

I’m starting with my fear of stairs.

 

Not all stairs mind you…..

 

Just open stairs, clear stairs, suspended stairs, multi floor suspended escalators with clear sides……these are all on the list.

 

I’ve even been known to leave stores, events, museums for this one reason…….I mean like walk in the door, take a look at the stairs, walk out…..you can ask K.

 

And I know it’s ridiculous.

 

I know they are safe.

 

I know I am not going to plummet to my death…..

 

But for some reason I get very uneasy, my heart starts pounding, I totally feel like I am going to fall, I hang on for dear life and I can’t deal with it…..

 

It’s completely irrational.

 

Now it’s time to deal.

 

First things first…..there’s a set of steps where I work out with The Linebacker and I’m supposed to run up and down them……

 

The only issue is that the sides are open and the stairs are suspended over a highway……

 

But just last week I did it……

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So next on my list are the following:

 

The Apple Store in the Meatpacking District—-they have a clear, open and suspended staircase up to the third floor of the store (that won’t be as easy).

 

The Neiman Marcus King of Prussia escalator—it’s suspended three floors up and I can do it but it takes all the will power and focus I have….and I have heart palpitations until my feet hit solid ground again.  I’d like to do it without hanging on for dear life and without the heart palpitations if humanly possible.

 

 

And the real reason I have to get over these irrational fears of mine is so I don’t pass them on. 

 

I want my kids to be FEARLESS….so far so good!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Boy at The Liberty Science Center

 

 

Love much,

Xob

www.helpusadopt.org

 

The other day a pregnant 13 year old girl (outside of Chicago) delivered her full term baby boy and threw him in a dumpster.

 

He died.

 

I have so many questions and assume that most of them will go unanswered.

 

And I do not want to judge her because I do not know her circumstances and after all she is just a baby herself.

 

But…..

 

How did she think this was the answer????

 

Did she not know that she had options??????

 

Did she not know that there are people who would have helped her????

 

And there are thousands of people who would have helped that baby boy.

 

He had options too.

 

Love much,

xob

www.helpusadopt.org

There is nothing wrong with asking for financial help when adopting.

 

NOTHING. 

 

It does not mean you are “poor”.

 

It does not mean you “can’t afford” to have a family.

 

Helpusadopt.org does not think this way…..

 

And neither should anyone else.

 

Helpusadopt.org happens to think that it takes an amazing amount of courage and dignity to ask for help.

 

And before anyone casts judgment on those who seek help I would like to ask this:

 

If you were trying to build your family….

 

And adoption was your option….

 

Take a look in your savings account…..

 

Do you have 30,000-50,000 at your fingertips that you could live without?

 

Because that is what an adoption costs these days.

 

Love much,

Xob

www.helpusadopt.org

Getting The Boy up in the morning and out of bed is a challenge Monday - Friday.

But a funny thing happened on December 1st…..

THE LEGO ADVENT CALENDAR (genius)!

Now he gets up most days on his own or at least after the first ask.

We got the Star Wars version (he’s obsessed)….

Do you think they make them in a 365 day version?

Or at least a monthly version where I could set up auto delivery?

I can’t be the only mother who has discovered this amazing morning incentive…..

I might just have to call the Creative Director at LEGO…..

Twelve more days and then I’m back to dragging him out of bed in the morning…

I’ll enjoy it while it lasts…

Love much,

xob

www.helpusadopt.org

It’s my favorite time of year.

Every year it’s a debate with K as to how early we can put the tree up.

Last Friday was our day.

The Boy and I got it on our way home from school and spent the afternoon with The Girl decorating!

Ok we decorated and The Girl broke things…..

But I guess that’s half the fun.

Our tree is amazing to me because it tells a story of years past.

Each ornament has a sotry….

From vacations, from home made ones from when K was little, all the baby’s first Christmas’,   and then ones for the kids that I get every year……

The Boy is now old enough that he wanted to know the story for each one (it was pretty cute).

But something happened last Friday that put me into a bit of a panic.

There were lobsters all over the tree.

Yes lobsters.

These are very significant—because The Boy was born in Maine.

But I realized…..

There were no Texas ornaments on the tree for The Girl……

And that I just can’t have!

So I went online searching……

And our tree has now been updated with a Cowboy Santa, a state of Texas cut out ornament, a cowboy boot and my personal  favorite…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This cactus makes me smile everytime I look at it……

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Merry Merry!

Love much,

xob

www.helpusadopt.org

This is why The Linebacker had me purchase gardening gloves.

I had to walk on my hands like this for 1/2 a city block and then flip over and do it backwards for the other 1/2.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I didn’t think it looked that hard either….give it a try and let me know what you think.

Love much,

xob

www.helpusadopt.org

This is the first year that Helpusadopt.org had a full time employee.

But there’s only two of us so what kind of Holiday Party do you have?????

Easy answer.

I took Kate to one of  Trish McEvoy’s exclusive Make up seminars at her private studio.

It was amazing.

You all know that I am not only a BIG FAN of make up…..

 I am a HUGE fan of Trish and her team…..

I have about ten of her lip glosses in my purse at any time to prove it!

And she’s a dear friend to not only me but to Helpusadopt.org.

Trish has a magic way about her that you feel the moment she enters a room.

Everyone in the room felt  special last night as we sipped Champgne,  learned new make up techniques and  recieved surprise gifts from Trish!

Kate and I learned how to perfect the smokey eye look…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And I learned that while I have long eyelashes they are “very straight” and need to be curled (majorly)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you Trish and your team!

We can’t wait to do it again…..

Until next time…..

Love much,

xob

www.helpusadopt.org

Today we celebrated Thanksgiving with The Boy at school.

And as part of the classroom celebration we all stood in a circle and held hands.

I was on one side of J and K was on the other.

The teacher announced that each child had something to say they were thankful for and that grownups should participate too.

Oh God.

My stomach fluttered.

My throat tightened.

I am no stranger to public speaking—I do it all the time

But when you ask me the question “what am I thankful for?” ….

Well that’s personal.

Very personal.

Beyond personal…..

And it’s not that I don’t mind sharing because you know I don’t.

But to say” I am grateful for my family” out loud is such an emotionally charged statement for me that it usually brings tears.

Because I remember everything I went through to become a mother…..

And I really didn’t think that crying in front of the whole class was the best idea.

You would think that a 41 year old woman could pull it together to say these few words…..

And I did….just barely.

Probably no one noticed but K.

And what we both wanted to say —but it would have been a little to “heavy” for 18 6 year olds…..

Was that we are both grateful for our children’s birthmothers……

And birth parents everywhere.

So grateful.

Happy Thanksgiving to V and K…..

You are so loved in our household.

Love much,

Xob

www.helpusadopt.org

In December 2004 I became something I  never wanted to be…..

I became something that mortified me to my core and that I did not want to share with the world.

I became a failed IVF patient.

I didn’t want to be different. 

I had been chasing a dream so that I could be like everyone else…..

After 5 rounds of IVF, three pregnancies and three miscarriages K and I were beyond ready to become parents.

And so we closed one door and opened another….

We opened the door to adoption and had no idea how amazingly spectacular our journey to parenthood was about to become….

At Helpusadopt.org’s Family Fun Day at the Movies (this past Saturday) we showed the family favorite HAPPY FEET!

A movie that is all about being different and truly loving who you are.

I was not in the theater for most of the movie but did sneak in to see the end—because it will come as no surprise that it’s my favorite part!

But this time I saw something that I must have overlooked the other times I watched the film.

At the beginning of the movie there was only one penguin who was different and no one wanted to be like him.

But by the end of the film everyone WANTED to be different…

And together they showed the world that being different can communicate a message of change.

Watch it again….

and you’ll see….

Different is Cool.

love much,

xob

www.helpusadopt.org